Another Bad Day

A Day Inside the Head of Jim Dymo

           This is about as uncomfortable as a story can get.  This one really hits home, and that is the reason I’m posting today.  Maybe this passage helps somebody else navigate this treacherous valley we call PTSD. 

I only thought of losing it 4 times today.  That’s probably a record.  Normally it’s dozens of times a day there is a little voice in my head saying, “Threat! Lose your shit!”  But, it ALWAYS loses.  The scariest thought is of the day it wins, and then I am another statistic.  But not this guy, and not today.  It all started with the internet being cut off at 4:00 a.m. this morning.  Assuming my wife didn’t pay the bill, I started spouting negative remarks towards her direction.  Upon further investigation, I learned the reason my internet was off was because my brother had been downloading torrents on his laptop.  Then my anger shifted to his direction!  After waking the whole house – with my hollering -- to address this issue, I sent everyone back to bed in shambles.  All over something as stupid as the internet.

Maybe the reason I fight this every day is because of my religion, or maybe seeing what going off has done to my family.  I’m so tired of living like this, but sometimes it feels as if I am just along for the ride, especially when my mind goes into threat mode.  After trying to make sense of what happened, and how it got out of hand so quickly, I decided to retire back to bed and get some sleep.  After waking about 90 minutes later, all was good (except for the emotional battle scars).  This daily battle is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  But, I made it through today and you will, too!